Originally I was going to leave this week's as a robo-writeup due to me having another busy week, but then CICK Ass screwed that up for me by accomplishing something I had failed to notice they could do this week: they clinched the championship two weeks early! This makes the first championship for Chantal Jacot, 6 for Ian Goetz, a staggering 13 for Carl "Tits" Goetz, and an even more staggering 14 for Ken M. Wilson (sheesh!). Congratulations to all four of you!

(And Chantal, my apologies for telling you that you needed to be taller so that I could fit all four of your heads in the above image. I should have said I needed you to be... Chantaller.)

The fourteenth week of Spring 2019 saw three teams climb in the standings, while two teams slipped. Freda Schroeder picked up this week's high game (194) and series (474) for the women, while Matthew Taylor earned this week's high game (266) and series (679) for the men. Read on for all the rest of the details!

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: Extreme Outliers matched wits with Open Frames R Us. In spite of the leadership of Ben Spencer with his 483 series, Outliers got swept by Open Frames. Conversely, James Tott with his better-than-normal 487 series drew the spotlight of Open Frames as they swept the competition. Extreme Outliers plummet 2 spots in the standings to 7th place, while Open Frames move up 1 spot to 6th. This means the team of Decision Insight programmers is now ahead of the team of Decision Insight project managers in the standings. Just as the gods ordained.

On lanes 3 & 4: With closely-matched team strength, Bowl Movements chucked gutter balls with The Pin Is Mightier. Notwithstanding the leadership of Conor Clarke with his below-average 438 series, Movements accomplished only 1 win against Mightiers. On the other lane, Curtis Whiles with his 462 series shone in Mightiers as his team took the match with 3 wins. Bowl Movements remains in 9th place, while Mightiers remain in 8th.

Showing his commitment to making our bowlers happy, Scoot took Dirty PJ's complaints about the recent new high price of PBR directly to the office of Frederick Pabst himself. Unfortunately it turned out Scoot arrived 115 years too late to discuss it with him.

On lanes 5 & 6: Scoot's Raging Bone Spur hoped to be able to outperform JoAnne's Dirty PJs. Reinforced by Most Valuable Bowler Scott Murdock and his above-average 557 series, Bone Spurs loaded up with a clean sweep over Dirty PJs. Meanwhile, Pat Hamell with his 376 series commanded Dirty PJs despite his team getting swept. Scoot's Raging Bone Spur climbs 1 spot in the standings to 5th place, while Dirty PJs remain in 11th.

On lanes 7 & 8: CICK Ass really only needed two wins against We Don't Give a Split in order to clinch the championship, but why half-ass it?. Headlined by #1 Power-Ranked Ken M. Wilson and his above-average 654 series, with props to #1 Head-to-Head bowler Ian Goetz, CICK Ass welcomed a clean sweep over Split Not Given. As for the opposition, Aubrey Moren with his 529 series dominated Split Not Given despite his team getting swept. CICK Ass is now permanently enshrined in 1st place, while Split Not Given sinks 1 spot to 4th.

On lanes 9 & 10: With the scales heavily tipped in one team's favor from the outset, the good guys Holy Forkin Shirt Balls attempted to deliver menacing stares toward the dark lords of Pin Is King. Although receiving some motivation from Garrett Rathbone with his above-average 540 series (including a stunning 255 in game 2), Shirtballs accomplished only 1 win against PinIs Kings. Moving on to the challengers, Matthew Taylor with his better-than-normal 679 series showed off for PinIs Kings as his team took the match with 3 wins. Holy Forkin Shirt Balls remains in 12th place, while PinIs Kings remain in 2nd. By the way, Matthew now owns both of the two highest series rolled this season.

Finally, down on lanes 11 & 12: BDE couldn't stop inappropriately groping #MGAGA. Starring Jeremy Cline with his 570 series, BDE collected 3 wins against the withering former former champs. In the meantime, Seth Gunderson with his 511 series reigned supreme within Hashtags despite his team notching only a single win. BDE climbs 1 spot in the standings to 3rd place, while Hashtags remain in 10th.

Bowlers sneaking into The 200 Club include: Aubrey Moren (211), Carl Goetz (216,211), Curtis Whiles (201), Garrett Rathbone (255), Ian Goetz (224,220,205), Jeremy Cline (205), Ken M. Wilson (235,228), Matthew Taylor (266,203,210), Scott Murdock (203), and Seth Gunderson (238)

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Ian Goetz claimed victory in Division 1, while Scott Murdock rolled his ass to the top of Division 2. Luke Melton won Division 3, and Tony Marin vanquished Division 4. Finally, Freda Schroeder (Division 4) cleaned up this week's Interdivisional bracket. In a disappointing footnote, nobody successfully played with themself this week. In terms of overall points: Ian Goetz calls the shots for Division 1; Sean Miller runs the show in Division 2; Ben Spencer leads Division 3; and Nicole Yancy is in the driver's seat in Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 11th-place JoAnne's Dirty PJs (hcp 52) will socialize with 12th-place Holy Forkin Shirt Balls. Dirty PJs are expected to roll a little low and just barely miss getting swept; while Shirtballs are forecast to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 2nd-place Pin Is King will challenge 4th-place We Don't Give a Split (hcp 87). PinIs Kings might maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while Split Not Given ought to hold steady as they endure a rough night.
• Then, over on lanes 5&6, 10th-place #MGAGA will face 9th-place Bowl Movements (hcp 152). Hashtags will likely have a bit of an off night, yet still manage to sweep the series; while Movements will probably drop their average a bit while they endure a rough night.
• Next up, on lanes 7&8, 7th-place Extreme Outliers (hcp 156) will chill with 3rd-place BDE. Outliers might perform well, yet still manage to just barely miss getting swept; while BDE ought to drop their average a bit even as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 9&10, 8th-place The Pin Is Mightier (hcp 144) will share a couple of pitchers with 1st-place CICK Ass. Mightiers will likely maintain their current strength as they lose the series but avoid getting swept; while CICK Ass will probably hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Finally, on lanes 11&12, 6th-place Open Frames R Us (hcp 13) will battle 5th-place Scoot's Raging Bone Spur. Open Frames are predicted to roll decently, yet still manage to get swept; while Bone Spurs are anticipated to catapult their team average they rack up a sweep.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

REMINDER: Next week is the bowling fee payment deadline! All bowling fees for the season must be paid in full next Tuesday unless other arrangements are made personally with AJ or Scott.

THIS WEEK'S MVB Scott Murdock Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Ken Wilson Runner Up: Matthew Taylor	#1 H2H BOWLER Ian Goetz Runner Up: Matthew Taylor
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Wow, that was fast!" "You should have waited to say that after he completed." Scoot, then Ken, after Ian surprised Scoot with a humping only moments into game 1.