By BowlingBot & ChatGPT
The bowling alley was alive with excitement on the thirteenth week of Spring 2023 league games. Amidst the sound of clattering pins and cheers from the sidelines, JoAnne Barber stood tall, a determined look etched on her face. Despite facing adversity, she managed to knock down all the other women in the league and come out on top with an impressive high game of 137 and series of 394. It was no easy feat, but JoAnne's perseverance and skill had earned her the coveted title of this week's queen of the lanes. As for James Tott, he also left his mark with an outstanding high game of 231 and series of 620 among bowlers with scrotal bits, making it a night to remember for all. Keep reading for all the juicy details of this epic bowling session!

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: Are you ready for a bowling showdown that's out of this world? Strap on your shoes and get ready to roll because the lanes are heating up with an epic match between two fierce teams: Glory Bowl and Sun Dolphins. These titans clashed in a battle for supremacy that left spectators on the edge of their seats. Brett Affolter led the charge for Glory Bowl, delivering a stunning 540 series that left his opponents reeling. Meanwhile, Scott Thompson of the Sun Dolphins showed off his skills with a better-than-normal 502 series that had the crowd roaring. But the real question is, how would a dolphin use a glory hole? We can only speculate, but one thing's for sure: in this matchup, both teams gave it their all, splitting the series with equal wins. Glory Bowl may be holding onto 5th place for now and Sun Dolphins seem forever submerged in 6th, but with performances like this, anything can happen.

Get ready for a wild ride on lanes 3 & 4 because Let's Split Up Gang! and I Thought This Was AA? brought the heat in an explosive matchup. But it wasn't just the scores that left spectators gasping for breath. Oh no, it seems at least one bowler was struggling to keep his pants on! Despite the near wardrobe malfunctions he was disappointed to not witness, James Tott of Let's Split Up Gang! put on an absolutely stunning performance, taking home the trifecta win of #1 Head-to-Head, #1 Power-Ranked, and Most Valuable Bowler with an amazing 620 series. But that wasn't the only big news among the Gang: Jeremy Varnell rolled a new personal best game (207), his first 200+ game in our league! Meanwhile, AJ Hofmann of I Thought This Was AA? wasn't one to be left behind, laying down the law with a better-than-normal 491 series. Though his team may have been swept, Hofmann proved he was a force to be reckoned with. In the end, Let's Split Up Gang! emerged victorious, claiming the top spot in the standings with a clean sweep over the bowlaholics, who plunged to 3rd. Will the bowlaholics be able to recover from this defeat and climb back up the ranks? Only time will tell in this crazy world of bowling. In any case, Let's Split up, Gang! now has enough of a (still small) lead that for the first time in a few weeks, more that one week's worth of wins separates 1st from 5th.

Finally, down on lanes 5 & 6: This week's matchup between Just Shitty Enough and Balderdash had tensions running high and tempers flaring. Rumors were flying that Seth Gunderson of Just Shitty Enough had threatened to impale Michael Gordon of Balderdash on the nearby church steeple - talk about taking the competition to new heights! But even with all the drama, the real action was happening on the lanes, with both teams giving it their all in a closely-matched battle. John Boren of Just Shitty Enough delivered a solid 519 series, but it wasn't enough to secure the wins as the team struggled to adjust their balls. Meanwhile, Michael Gordon of Balderdash showed off his skills with a commanding 587 series that helped lead his team to victory with three wins. Just Shitty Enough dropped one spot in the standings to fourth place, while Bald Boys jumped two spots to second. It was a tense and thrilling match, but thankfully no steeple impaling occurred, unless Gordon's body had already slid off and dropped somewhere into the bushes on the other side of the church by the time we closed up the lanes for the night.

Bowlers who "molested their way" into The 200 Club (Jeremy's words) include: James Tott (231,210), Jeremy Varnell (207), John Boren (209), Kent Harms (201), Matthew Taylor (225), and Michael Gordon (230)

New personal high games were set tonight by Jeremy Varnell (207, previous best 199) and JC Cox (144, previous best 140).

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Ben Spencer rolled his ass to the top of Division 1, while Michael Gordon decimated Division 2. AJ Hofmann trounced Division 3, and JC Cox eradicated Division 4. In terms of overall points: Matthew Taylor tops Division 1; Michael Gordon dominates Division 2; Scott Murdock reigns over Division 3; and Ryan Sisco holds the reins in Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 4th-place Just Shitty Enough will test their mettle against 1st-place Let's Split Up Gang! (hcp 111). Just Shitty is expected to maintain their current strength as they win the series; while the splitter-uppers are forecast to hold steady as they avoid getting swept.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 5th-place Glory Bowl (hcp 69) will face 2nd-place Balderdash. The G-Holers might roll a little low and get swept; while Bald Boys ought to raise their average while they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 3rd-place I Thought This Was AA? will spend some quality time with 6th-place Sun Dolphins (hcp 28). The bowlaholics are predicted to maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while Dolphins are anticipated to drop their average a bit while they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB James Tott Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER James Tott Runner Up: Michael Gordon	#1 H2H BOWLER James Tott Runner Up: Michael Gordon
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "I tried to ignore it, but every time I got up I couldn't stop focusing on Scott's wood." James Tott, awestruck by the the massive wood that lay precariously on the edge of the lane until Scott finally beat it off.